Honesty is such a lonely word…

Trust.  Such a simple yet complicated thing.  I don’t trust very many people right off the bat.  It takes a while for me to completely open up to someone.  And when I do, beware!  There’s no going back.  I don’t shut up once I trust you.  And good luck if you ever do something to break my trust.  I hold grudges and trust is definitely something you earn.  You don’t get a second chance just like that, no questions asked.  Maybe that’s harsh.  But then don’t break my trust and that bridge never has to be crossed.

There are levels of trust too.  I have a handful of friends I can say I trust with anything.  And looking at the dynamics between them, I find it extremely interesting.  For example, three of them are all really good friends with each other as well.  The four of us were always hanging out.  And I know,without a doubt, if I tell one of them something, the other two will know about it even if I tell the person I said something to not to say anything to anyone else.  I trust them with my life.  But it’s amusing to see how between the four of us,  we assume they don’t count as being anyone else.  We’re collectively one in a sense.  Sometimes its nice.  It’s awesome to know we’re close enough to share anything.  But other times, it becomes frustrating.  Like when discussing birthday presents for one of them!  Secrets don’t seem to exist between the four of us.  And I think we all know that so if we do want to keep something from one of them, it has to be kept to yourself.  Or shared with someone else not involved.

I don’t know how guys are, but they seem to have it easier than women do.  Girls are so damn petty.  And mean!  Most of them will stab you in the back without thinking twice for something so dumb.  I was harping on sororities not too long ago with a friend and she wanted to know why I disliked the ideas of sororities so much.  I told her it was because most of the girls in them are backstabbers.  That they pretend to be friends with each other, calling them sisters and whatnot, but as soon as one of them is out of earshot, she’s a bitch and a whore and this and that.  It’s crap.  How can you say you’re “besties” and talk smack about them?  My dear friend pointed out that that wasn’t just sororities, it was most women in general.  Thinking about it, I definitely have to concede to that point.

I hate fake people.  And I hate people who talk behind people’s backs.  If you’ve got something to say about me, say it to my face.  You don’t know what’s brought me to make this decision or choose that path.  Don’t pretend we’re pals and then tell someone else you can’t stand me.  Why would you hang out with me if you can’t stand me?!!  I feel like this is something you’d say to a third grader and yet, it seems a lot of people need to still learn this lesson.  It’s funny, I remember when my mom used to pick me up from school.  At dismissal, all the parents would be waiting by the parking lot for their kids to get out and even then there were the cliques and the drama that I thought died out once you left middle school.  Or at least high school.  Apparently, its a life time thing though.

Recently, I learned of a friend, we’ll call this friend Sam,  making a comment or two that was pretty hurtful.  The funny thing is that I had kind of already suspected that Sam was feeling that way and had asked about it.  I was told right off the bat that I was crazy and friends didn’t think that way and this and that.  This is one of those friends who I trusted with anything and everything.  And it turns out that to other people, Sam was talking behind my back!  It sucks.  I had voiced that I was suspicious of Sam to another mutual friend of ours, lets go with Alex, before I had confronted Sam.  Alex told me exactly what Sam had said later: there’s no way Sam would think that way.   But as it turns out, Alex had known all along that Sam thought it.  In fact, they apparently had detailed conversations about it on multiple occasions.  Sam and Alex were supposed to be two people I could trust with anything.  Now I’m torn.

I feel like it’s unfair for me to be annoyed with Alex because I think Alex was more of a person Sam could talk to about things and not necessarily that the two of them were bashing me.  At least I hope that’s how it went down.  And it wouldn’t have been right for Alex to tell me, yeah, Sam’s been knocking you because I’m sure those conversations were had in confidence and I’m certain Alex is one of the very few people who does not break people’s trust.  But I’m annoyed that Alex tried to convince me that I was crazy because Alex knew when I had shared my concern that Sam was already saying those things.

Betrayed.  I feel betrayed.  By both of them.  And I don’t know if I can trust them as much as I did.  I don’t know if I can be as open around them now and that sucks.  Maybe it’s not fair.  But I shut down when I’m hurt and this definitely takes the cake.  And it’s not so much about the fact that the thoughts were had or comments made or anything like that.  It’s the blatant lying about it that pisses me off.

Billy Joel’s got a good one for this:

If you search for tenderness, it isn’t hard to find.
You can find the love you need to live.
But if you search for truthfulness, you might just as well be blind.
It always seems to be so hard to give.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you…


2 responses to “Honesty is such a lonely word…

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