The Grid

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with the whole human interaction thing.  I love people – they keep things exciting and fresh and awesome.  But I hate them.  I hate crowds and noise and social norms.  I’m not good at them really.  We’ve already established I’m a nerd.  I don’t think this is a bad thing and I’m not the socially awkward, can’t talk to people at all stereotype you might think of.  But maybe I am.  Most people I meet are shocked that I studied engineering or designed satellites and rocket structure.  So I think that means I’m not socially inept in that aspect.  I think I’m pretty good at picking up on what people are thinking or feeling too.  I can be perceptive.  But I like doing my own thing.  I am an introvert.  But I’m extroverted too.

There is zero fiber of my being that wants to go out on a Saturday night to party.  Crowds.  Noise.  Drunks.  Insanity.  No thank you!  But I still want to be invited!  The struggle is real!  It starts off with new people inviting you and the idea is so repulsive you automatically shun the concept.  Of course, you politely decline.  Sorry, I have other plans (with my bed and Netflix!!!!); maybe next time.  But we all know there will never be a time that this will seem like a good idea.  So you stop getting invited.  Because the well meaning party knows what the answer will be.  But then this extends to daytime activities that don’t necessarily involve drunks (but probably does) or as many people or noise.  Which you might have said yes to.

Let me be clear.  I’m not whining because I wasn’t invited to something.  Internally, lately, though, I’ve been frustrated with myself for not wanting to do what the single (well, honestly, the married ones do it too) people my age do.  And it’s irritating.  Is there something wrong with me?  Absolutely not!  I’m a pretty awesome person.  But there’s still something that doesn’t seem to add up.  Am I missing crucial, life changing events by choosing to spend time with me, myself, and I?  I like to think I’m enjoying my life.  Would I like someone to share it with?  Sometimes.  But in those moments, I also realize I would get annoyed by being around someone too.  I’m OK with being me and by myself.  Solitude doesn’t equate to loneliness.

Last week I ended up having to go on a business trip last minute.  Last minute as in I found out the morning I was leaving that I would be gone for an indefinite period of time.  Sweet! Let’s go.  I don’t have to worry about pets or humans to take care of or miss.  Well, I miss my dogs.  But they don’t live with me.  So there’s that.  But those lack of attachments give me that freedom.  Maybe that seems like I have commitment issues.  Maybe I do.  Maybe my job is what I’ve actually committed to, though.

So I’m trying to be patient with myself.  I’m trying to understand why I can’t decided if I want to be around people or I would rather be by myself and why when I am with people, I simply want to be alone and vice versa.  I’d like to say I’m getting better at this patience thing, but I can’t really confirm this.  At any rate, if you find yourself reaching out to me and I don’t respond, don’t take offense.  It’s not a personal thing, sometimes I just like to go off the grid.  Other days, I want to talk to everyone I’ve ever known.  I can’t be the only one!

Hakuna Matata!

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Blank Space

Throughout the day, I always have all these perfect musings of things I want to share in my blog and tell the world about.  And then I sit down in front of this blank screen and literally EVERYTHING I have ever thought about and wanted to write about become obsolete.  My mind goes blank.  It’s like when you are exhausted all day and can barely keep your eyes open and you finally crawl into bed and BAM!  Wide awake.  Mind can’t stop spinning.  That’s how I feel about this blog some days.  It’s infuriating.  I have ideas and thoughts and perfectly worded messages and I go to write it and it’s like I’ve got nothing to say.  Which anyone who knows me knows I always have something to say.  Or at least something I’m thinking about and realize I probably shouldn’t say.

The last few weeks have been dedicated to studying.  I thought I missed studying.  I don’t.  Nope.  I miss college.  But not the studying part.  Anyway.  I’ve been studying.  And studying.  And then taking breaks because my slacker mind has been away from school for so long that I have to get myself back in the groove of studying.  Do you know how hard it is to study in Hawaii?  There’s sun.  Like.  ALL the time.  And mountains.  And hiking. And 75 degree lows – in January.  And 83 degree water.  And yeah.  Distractions.  Life.  So I take breaks longer than I should.  And then I feel guilty.  BECAUSE I SHOULD BE STUDYING!  Take note, you who should be studying.  You reading this is only helping you procrastinate.  Almost as much as me writing it is helping me.  Don’t wait; procrastinate now!  Hashtag, the struggle is real.  So then I go back to studying.

My main distraction, though, is reading.  Not reading study stuff; reading fiction stuff.  I go through these spurts where I don’t read for a while.  And then I realize how terrible that idea is.  Reading is awesome.  I was reminiscing this evening with a friend about how much I used to read.  Yeah, I was am a nerd.  I love to read.  So.  Now that I really put a whole lot of jumbo out there about that doesn’t really all go together (re first paragraph and the true struggles of figuring out to write once I get to a blank post), I’m going to go for a drive.  In which I will probably figure out the most eloquent ways to update this thing for my next most, completely draw a blank when I attempt to use it, feel guilty that I’m not studying, and then contemplate why I didn’t use that time to read my book.

Hakuna Matata!

Good Riddance New Year’s Resolutions

As the year closes out and my facebook news feed is plastered with reminiscings of  2015, everyone seems to also include their well wishes and hopes for 2016.  Which is all nice and wonderful, but my issue with this is that shouldn’t we be well wishing and thankful for what we have year round and not just for one or two weeks at the end/beginning of a new year?  The notion that a new year should mean we better ourselves isn’t a bad one, but why wait for the new year?  Fix the issues you have when you realize you have them!

There’s a quote I’ve always found amusing: “Don’t wait – procrastinate now!”  It’s the same concept even though it’s opposing what I’m encouraging if that makes sense.  Along the same lines, people always try to stay in touch around the holidays. As if Christmas and New Year are the only times we think of these people we care about. How absurd!  I admit, my lifestyle does pose some issues with how frequently I keep in contact with the people I love.  But I still attempt to talk to them year round. And by talk, I really mean text,  facebook stalk/message/post, or emails mostly. But just a simple text that says ‘hey’ usually gives a person those warm fuzzies that makes the extra seconds you took out of your day (and not just on a holiday) seem all worth it.

It’s been a good year. And of course I want the next year to be even better. But how much better would our lives be if we reflect on the awesomeness that is life and people and what we have on a regular basis?   Just sayin!

Hakuna Matata!