The Grid

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with the whole human interaction thing.  I love people – they keep things exciting and fresh and awesome.  But I hate them.  I hate crowds and noise and social norms.  I’m not good at them really.  We’ve already established I’m a nerd.  I don’t think this is a bad thing and I’m not the socially awkward, can’t talk to people at all stereotype you might think of.  But maybe I am.  Most people I meet are shocked that I studied engineering or designed satellites and rocket structure.  So I think that means I’m not socially inept in that aspect.  I think I’m pretty good at picking up on what people are thinking or feeling too.  I can be perceptive.  But I like doing my own thing.  I am an introvert.  But I’m extroverted too.

There is zero fiber of my being that wants to go out on a Saturday night to party.  Crowds.  Noise.  Drunks.  Insanity.  No thank you!  But I still want to be invited!  The struggle is real!  It starts off with new people inviting you and the idea is so repulsive you automatically shun the concept.  Of course, you politely decline.  Sorry, I have other plans (with my bed and Netflix!!!!); maybe next time.  But we all know there will never be a time that this will seem like a good idea.  So you stop getting invited.  Because the well meaning party knows what the answer will be.  But then this extends to daytime activities that don’t necessarily involve drunks (but probably does) or as many people or noise.  Which you might have said yes to.

Let me be clear.  I’m not whining because I wasn’t invited to something.  Internally, lately, though, I’ve been frustrated with myself for not wanting to do what the single (well, honestly, the married ones do it too) people my age do.  And it’s irritating.  Is there something wrong with me?  Absolutely not!  I’m a pretty awesome person.  But there’s still something that doesn’t seem to add up.  Am I missing crucial, life changing events by choosing to spend time with me, myself, and I?  I like to think I’m enjoying my life.  Would I like someone to share it with?  Sometimes.  But in those moments, I also realize I would get annoyed by being around someone too.  I’m OK with being me and by myself.  Solitude doesn’t equate to loneliness.

Last week I ended up having to go on a business trip last minute.  Last minute as in I found out the morning I was leaving that I would be gone for an indefinite period of time.  Sweet! Let’s go.  I don’t have to worry about pets or humans to take care of or miss.  Well, I miss my dogs.  But they don’t live with me.  So there’s that.  But those lack of attachments give me that freedom.  Maybe that seems like I have commitment issues.  Maybe I do.  Maybe my job is what I’ve actually committed to, though.

So I’m trying to be patient with myself.  I’m trying to understand why I can’t decided if I want to be around people or I would rather be by myself and why when I am with people, I simply want to be alone and vice versa.  I’d like to say I’m getting better at this patience thing, but I can’t really confirm this.  At any rate, if you find yourself reaching out to me and I don’t respond, don’t take offense.  It’s not a personal thing, sometimes I just like to go off the grid.  Other days, I want to talk to everyone I’ve ever known.  I can’t be the only one!

Hakuna Matata!

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