The Grid

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with the whole human interaction thing.  I love people – they keep things exciting and fresh and awesome.  But I hate them.  I hate crowds and noise and social norms.  I’m not good at them really.  We’ve already established I’m a nerd.  I don’t think this is a bad thing and I’m not the socially awkward, can’t talk to people at all stereotype you might think of.  But maybe I am.  Most people I meet are shocked that I studied engineering or designed satellites and rocket structure.  So I think that means I’m not socially inept in that aspect.  I think I’m pretty good at picking up on what people are thinking or feeling too.  I can be perceptive.  But I like doing my own thing.  I am an introvert.  But I’m extroverted too.

There is zero fiber of my being that wants to go out on a Saturday night to party.  Crowds.  Noise.  Drunks.  Insanity.  No thank you!  But I still want to be invited!  The struggle is real!  It starts off with new people inviting you and the idea is so repulsive you automatically shun the concept.  Of course, you politely decline.  Sorry, I have other plans (with my bed and Netflix!!!!); maybe next time.  But we all know there will never be a time that this will seem like a good idea.  So you stop getting invited.  Because the well meaning party knows what the answer will be.  But then this extends to daytime activities that don’t necessarily involve drunks (but probably does) or as many people or noise.  Which you might have said yes to.

Let me be clear.  I’m not whining because I wasn’t invited to something.  Internally, lately, though, I’ve been frustrated with myself for not wanting to do what the single (well, honestly, the married ones do it too) people my age do.  And it’s irritating.  Is there something wrong with me?  Absolutely not!  I’m a pretty awesome person.  But there’s still something that doesn’t seem to add up.  Am I missing crucial, life changing events by choosing to spend time with me, myself, and I?  I like to think I’m enjoying my life.  Would I like someone to share it with?  Sometimes.  But in those moments, I also realize I would get annoyed by being around someone too.  I’m OK with being me and by myself.  Solitude doesn’t equate to loneliness.

Last week I ended up having to go on a business trip last minute.  Last minute as in I found out the morning I was leaving that I would be gone for an indefinite period of time.  Sweet! Let’s go.  I don’t have to worry about pets or humans to take care of or miss.  Well, I miss my dogs.  But they don’t live with me.  So there’s that.  But those lack of attachments give me that freedom.  Maybe that seems like I have commitment issues.  Maybe I do.  Maybe my job is what I’ve actually committed to, though.

So I’m trying to be patient with myself.  I’m trying to understand why I can’t decided if I want to be around people or I would rather be by myself and why when I am with people, I simply want to be alone and vice versa.  I’d like to say I’m getting better at this patience thing, but I can’t really confirm this.  At any rate, if you find yourself reaching out to me and I don’t respond, don’t take offense.  It’s not a personal thing, sometimes I just like to go off the grid.  Other days, I want to talk to everyone I’ve ever known.  I can’t be the only one!

Hakuna Matata!

In the Navy…

Forty minutes ago, we took off from the nation’s capital heading to Kuwait City. By the time this is actually posted, I will be far from Kuwait and onto the next chapter of my life and career and I can honestly say I am more than excited to begin that moment. But as we fly over my home town and I am being jostled about by the turbulence, while listening to my Musicals playlist, I cannot help but feel that sense of emptiness. Do you know what I am talking about? The gut wrenching, loneliness and emptiness that only comes when you are faced with leaving everything you know behind for something new. Something bigger and better than yourself, but nevertheless, intimidating and exciting.

As I said my last few goodbyes before my phone service was suspended, the last call I made was to my Mom. The person who has been there for everything for me, unwaveringly. Saying goodbye is never easy. Even when you do it often, it doesn’t get easier; that whole practice makes perfect thing is a lie when it comes to saying goodbye to those you love or once loved. As we were boarding the plane, one of my buddies asked me the very question I have debated since day one of joining the Navy, over three years ago. Is this something I want to do for a career or serve my time and get out? In that moment, I knew we were both experiencing that emptiness. It’s almost nice to have someone to go through it with, but of course, it’s different for everyone. We had both just spent the past day or two saying goodbye to those we care about, not knowing when or where we will speak with them next.

I wouldn’t say I am anti-social. I am far from it. But I have always considered myself to be rather closed off to all but a small group of people. The funny thing is, that when you live in multiple places, get involved with different organizations, and make connections with small groups of people in all of those places, your small network grows quite significantly. So my handful of people I care about and feel the need to communicate with and say goodbye to is actually way larger than I thought I’d ever be comfortable with. But saying goodbye to all of them was rather depressing. And thinking about not communicating with them for long periods of time is scary.

At the same time, I think time is going to fly. And I cannot wait to experience all that is in store for my deployment. It’s going to be difficult, but I am stoked. And that’s what I need to keep in mind when I do get that emptiness feeling creep up. At any rate, just my ramblings for the next adventure ahead. If nothing else, I have some awesome diving and hiking and friends waiting for me when I get back.

 

Humans

I’ve been wondering a lot lately why we like the people we like.  Not just in terms of love, but platonic ones as well: the guy you met on the train one day or the person you’ve called your best friend since you were nine.  Why do we like the people we hang out with?  Are they that much more interesting than us?  Do they have something that much more to offer that we need their presence to get through life? I’m not really sure, I’ve just found that at times, I absolutely love being around people and other times, I want nothing to do with them.

I usually have to mentally prepare myself for being around people. When I wake up, I go to work and I know I’m going to have to have some type of interaction. Luckily, the humans I work with realize morning is not my cup of tea and let me do my thing. My roommates have all been pretty good about this too. My roommate from Italy loved the morning as much as I did and we developed our own routine of grunts and nods to get ready for the day. Life was good. By noon, I’m ready to deal with humans. But by the evening, I’m done, I need my Lauren time. Leave me alone. Of course there are exceptions, but not many.
But a lot of the people I know and have come to care about don’t seem to operate under these same conditions. Its difficult for me to comprehend sometimes. Do you seriously need that much company all the time? Or is it that the people you hang out with are that awesome? Granted, the beings I associate with are all pretty awesome, but I still don’t want to be around them 24/7. I love you, but why? Can someone please explain why it is we like other people? Chances are, they’ve all done something terrible- I think we all have our faults and it’s part of being human. But why do we feel that need to be there for each other? To want to be around certain people all the time (once again, I’m not just referring to romantic relationships in this)?
Just a little something to think about! Hakuna Matata!